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REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Non-Dairy Seven Layer Bar

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Seven layer bars, or, onslaught sugar injections, as I like to call them, are composed of three main flavors – chocolate, butterscotch, and coconut. Yes, there is the graham cracker crust and some nuts, and there could be a remix edition involving peanut butter, but when I think about biting into a seven layer bar I am immediately given the teeth tingling sensation of butterscotch and chocolate assaulting my tastebuds with an underlining kiss of tropical coco flair. Since I have heard nothing but good things about the scoop shop exclusive Ben & Jerry’s Seven Layer Bar, I had to give their new pint-available non-dairy version a shot, which combines a coconut ice cream made with almond milk, chocolate chunks, walnuts, caramel, and graham cracker for a vegan treat that will hopefully make my teeth hurt.

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Getting my first taste of this almond-driven base is different but not necessarily bad. There’s a strange salty undercurrent and texture that immediately reminds me of almond milk the way it slightly coats my tongue with a taste that gives me childhood flashbacks of the smell of Play-Dough. The first glaring issue I have isn’t with what is there as much as what isn’t – which is coconut. On the first bite there is a subtle coconut flavor that quickly fades after your second or third spoonful, and that’s it.  No coconut flakes or chunks or lasting coconut presence. For a flavor with coconut in its name this seems kind of odd and a massive missed opportunity for Ben & Jerry’s to use almond milk to make the base, considering coconut milk and cream make fantastic non-dairy ice cream and would have been much better than almond. Confusing.

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Luckily the supporting cast of mix ins is pretty solid and helps awaken a fairly dull base into an experience that’s still enjoyable. The biggest boldest surprise flavor off the jump is the walnuts, which is the element I was least excited for. They have stayed extremely firm and crunchy and pop with big robust nutty flavor in a way that I haven’t had in ice cream before. I’m not sure if it’s the freshness of the pint or the non-dairy base but I have never experienced walnuts be this impactful in ice cream.

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The chocolate chunks are also really successful, and I like them more both in size and flavor than the way B&J have been using the fudge flakes in all of their new pints (or classics like Cherry Garcia). They’re smaller and slightly darker which gives them a less sweet presence that doesn’t wash out all of the other components on my spoon. The size of all the various pieces is just right where you can get a chunk of chocolate and walnut in one bite with enough creamy stuff to make it all work harmoniously.

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The two things I was looking most forward to – the vegan caramel and graham crackers – were a bit less abundant and took some digging. The caramel swirl is more prominent and definitely tastes different than your regular butter-made variety, with a slightly thicker consistency that reminds me of a Milky Way but much less sweet. I’m missing the use of butterscotch here but if there’s going to be any substitute for the ‘scotch a good caramel makes sense. The graham cracker pieces are great and pop with a saltiness and grit that differentiate themselves against all the other elements, I just wish there were more. I love the golden flavor of graham crackers in ice cream and had there been bigger pieces or a greater amount that flavor could have really shone through.  Overall it’s a good ice cream, especially for being non-dairy, but with a couple of tweaks it could have been great.
Rating: 7.5/10
Found at: Safeway

Quick Nutrition per 1/2 cup: 320 cals – 18g fat – 9g sat fat – 100mg sodium – 37g carbs – 2g fiber – 28g sugar – 2g protein

REVIEW: Haagen-Dazs Bourbon Praline Pecan

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Have you ever been unsure whether you wanted to cap your night off with a shot of whiskey or a scoop of ice cream?  Is your inner bad boy torn between melty sweet spoonfuls of creaminess or the tummy-warming tingle of bourbon?  Look no further – Haagen-Dasz has made your solution.  Their new for 2017 flavor, Bourbon Praline Pecan, combines bourbon ice cream with nutty praline pecans and pools of brown sugar bourbon, to create “indulgence with a kick”.

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As I begin to scoop into the container the strong aroma of bourbon wafts into my nostrils almost as convincingly as if I had just popped a fresh bottle of the hard stuff. The smell is incredibly powerful and very authentic – it doesn’t come across artificially created or in-genuine at all.

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Going in for a taste this is without a doubt the booziest ice cream I have ever had, and I had to check the carton to see what the proof was and why they didn’t ask for my ID at Safeway (there is no proof, so no ID required). What’s incredibly impressive here is the booze on booze action between the bourbon base and brown sugar bourbon swirl, as it creates an inescapable flavor that teeters on the edge of too much alcohol. The brown sugar bourbon swirl is less sweet than your typical caramel but has a runny stickiness to it that reminds me of maple syrup. Although it has a boozy component to it, it’s noticeably less strong than in the ice cream itself and they work together in great harmony.

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The lone crunchy mix in, the praline pecans, pop with a sweet fattyness that works really well with the other two elements, and they stand out more than when in the usual butter pecan or caramel ice cream you would find this type of candied nut in. Sometimes less standard bases, like ones made of bourbon, can lose their unique flair after a couple of bites, but the pecans help keep that profile in check, and after their big sweet release the predominant components of the pint go right back to tasting like they were poured from an oak barrel.  Although the praline pieces aren’t terribly big there’s a lot of them so the sweetness and crunch come in and out of bites frequently.

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This is a great ice cream. Although it walks on the edge of being too strong, I’ve gotta give HD props for making a flavor that really lives up to its name and smacked me in the mouth with midnight regret. I don’t know that this would be my go-to when choosing a flavor to enjoy at the store, but it’s a definite must try for anyone who is a fan of bourbon or alcohol-tinged sweets.

Rating: 8.5/10

REVIEW: Quest Bar Mocha Chocolate Chip

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I tend to start my weekday mornings with a protein bar and a nice cup of strong hot coffee.  As big of a fan of the flavor and effects of the world’s favorite black beverage as I am I’m generally not the biggest fan of coffee flavored bars, ice creams, and other desserts (except Tiramisu), but  I get a feeling my taste buds might be evolving.  Just in time for my change of heart, Quest have unleashed their latest protein-on-the-go creation with Mocha Chocolate Chip.

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Like most newly released Quest bars, this one is extremely soft and fresh with very little signs of the harder taffy texture that used to define the brand. The light brown base that makes up most of the bar has a slightly salty almost toffee kind of flavor that gradually builds and blossoms into coffee that is very authentic and delicious. It isn’t bitter like straight black drip or espresso but it definitely has big coffee flavor and isn’t nearly as sweet as some of the froufy-er beverages you might find at Starbucks or Dunkin. It’s a very genuine taste that as an avid coffee consumer I am stoked on.

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The chocolate chips are dark and not too sweet, and add extra texture and flavor to the bar that accentuates the coffee notes. The bites where you get a good amount of chip and protein base leave the perfect mocha flavor lingering on the tongue.  Another huge win for this bar is the absence of Sucralose, which Quest notoriously uses way too much of and as a result many of their bars have a bad artificial aftertaste. There is no bad fake sweet flavor at all and they have somehow achieved a great balance with only one gram of sugar and some stevia. Impressive.  There is, however, a moderately astringent aftertaste from the use of baking soda that isn’t terribly offensive but does a little dance on my tongue after I’m done chewing.

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Any good baker knows that some black coffee in a chocolate cake makes it taste like richer deeper chocolate and some of that is at play here. The classic pairing of chocolate and coffee works wonderfully and is one of the most solid flavors Quest have come up with so far. Coffee isn’t one of my personal favorite flavors, like the cinnamon in oatmeal chocolate chip, but it is good enough that I will buy it again and make it part of my small Quest rotation.

Rating: 8.5/10
Found at: GNC

Quick Nutrition: 180 cals – 6g Fat – 240mg Sodium – 24g Carbs – 14g Fiber – <1g Sugar – 20g Protein

REVIEW: Cheetos Sweetos Caramel Puffs

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When I was a young lad frequenting Taco Bell more than my adult-self would like to admit, I always walked in thinking about tacos and left tasting like cinnamon and sugar.  Taco Bell’s warm cinna-sugar churro-y twists were an irresistible way to leave the restaurant, and even though they might not have been part of my initial order, 75% of the time I would grab an order of them to go – happily munching my way to the sidewalk.  Two years ago when Cheetos announced their new Cinnamon Sugar Sweetos for Easter, I immediately drew a comparison to my TB trips and was not disappointed.  The Sweetos have continued to make seasonal appearances for both Easter and Christmas over the last couple of years, and new for this year is a second flavor – Caramel.  As someone who’s diet has individual spots in the pyramid for both cinnamon AND caramel this is one of the most exciting releases of 2017 so far and I am ready – to – crunch.

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The bag has a big sweet caramel aroma that hints at kettle corn and funnel cake with its combination of sweet, salty, and dangerous.  The egg shape is just as I remember, with the extra squiggles in the middle providing more surface area than the Christmas time “O”, and absorb more magical Cheeto dust.  Going in for my first handful I’m surprised that they taste a lot less sweet than they smelled; they definitely have a caramel flavor but it leans more towards smooth and buttery than sweet and silky.  As with the cinnamon flavor, there’s no notable corn taste like you get with cheesy Cheetos, and the base itself is relatively neutral.

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The texture is super light and airy with a pillowy crunch that begins to dissolve as quickly as I start chomping, and before I know it the 25 count serving size has evaporated inside of me.  As with most bags of chips there are some pieces that are more heavily coated than others, and those darker ones are really tasty, but the less dressed ones are are a bit bland and flat.  Fortunately, the Caramel Puff Sweetos are less greasy than the Cinnamon Sugar so the naked ones aren’t gross, just boring.

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These Sweetos are very true to the original version – light, crunchy, sweet, and for me, not at all weird – but they just aren’t as awesome as the OG.  The absence of cinnamon means less of a distinguished pop, and while this caramel iteration is still good, it doesn’t have the same great balance that the cheetah-bunny delivered to us two years ago.  However, that doesn’t mean that these aren’t addictive and nearly impossible to stop eating, it just means that my allegiance stands strong with the inner cinna-demons and these come in second to their deliciousness.

Rating: 8/10

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Mixed Nut Butter

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Who doesn’t love a good handful of mixed nuts?  Each reach inside of the jar or bowl is much like our buddy Gump would say and you “never know what you’re gonna get”.  Whether salty or sweet or straight up plain, mixed nuts earn praise from health freaks, beer guzzling bar goers, and those who just like a good crunch for their afternoon snack.  So why hasn’t anyone pulverized them all and shoved the mixture into a jar?  Welcome Trader Joe’s to the equation.  In addition to their already packed line of butters – from the heralded cookie to the classic peanut, TJ’s is now slangin’ Mixed Nut Butter, which combines dry roasted and salted almonds, cashews, walnuts, brazil nuts, hazelnuts, and pecans into a gooey runny treat to spread up your life.

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The butter has an extremely smooth and creamy consistency.  Right after mixing and out of the jar it is thin, runny, and oily in a way that is tempting to want to drizzle it all over any and everything.  The texture is very unique – much similar in appearance and initial feeling to almond butter except not nearly as thick or grainy.  The primary flavors that come through are almond and cashew with some hints of pecans and brazil nuts.  I don’t specifically taste the hazelnuts, but I’m okay with that because they’re generally my least favorite and most astringent tasting in any mixed nut variety, and I can’t pinpoint the flavor of walnuts either.  The salt level is perfect – not so much that the butter tastes salty, but just enough that the spread pops and shines on its own to highlight the complexity of all the different components.

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After leaving the mixed butter in the fridge for a couple days I was surprised that it didn’t seize up and become firmer the way almost all other nut butters do.  It was slightly more together than when I first opened it but it stayed thin and runny enough that it could still be poured onto food (or into your mouth) straight from the jar.  After cooling I also noticed the pecan notes to be more pronounced, which isn’t a bad thing at all since they provide a great golden richness that amps up the overall flavor on this unique product.

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For the final test: the butter goes good on top of toast, but it doesn’t achieve the same ultimate magical combo with banana that peanut butter does.  I’ve always preferred peanut butter to all other types of nut butter, and while this mixed one is fun and well done, it doesn’t change my mind on which nut makes the champion butter.  It’s fun and tasty, but factoring in flavor, cost, and macros, I think I’ll stick with my one true nut butter love – the peanut.

Rating: 8/10

REVIEW: Fit Joy Raspberry Chocolate Truffle and Cookies and Cream

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Last years’ most prolific protein bar company, Fit Joy, are back at it again kicking off the first quarter of 2017 launching two new bars at the same time.  They went with one relatively uncharted flavor with Raspberry Chocolate Truffle, and tackled one that pretty much every competitor has already tried with Cookies and Cream.

Raspberry Chocolate Truffle:

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Visually this bar is great. A little bit of a different look for Fit Joy as there are no crisps on top and the protein base is noticeably softer with a marzipan-like texture. There’s a huge raspberry chocolate smell that is very floral and promising.

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The bite starts good, with a big bright raspberry flavor that lives up to the intense flowery aroma. Unfortunately, it takes an intense nose dive quickly as that powerful raspberry flavor becomes too much and is so overwhelmingly tart and sour that it literally made my face pucker.

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The way the bar dissolves on the tongue and the extreme tart-ness starts to taste like a kids Flintstones chewable vitamin and I’m left really wondering where the chocolate is. The thin dip on the bottom and drizzle on top can’t hold a candle to the epic tart berry flavor to a degree that chocolate may as well not be in the name or on the bar at all. Almost every other company that has released raspberry has done it with white chocolate, which helps up the sweetness and tame the tart. I was excited for a chocolate version but unfortunately this just doesn’t work at all. Sour, acidic, and ultimately kind of gross.

Rating: 5/10

Cookies and Cream:

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Visually this bar, again, is very appealing. The top is speckled with crunchy cookie bits and the inside base has a softer, fluffier texture than any other Fit Joy, kind of reminiscent of a whipped cream cheese. The flavor is full on chocolate, with both lighter milk chocolate and darker bitter being represented. There are so many different cocoa flavors going on that I even get hints of coffee, which adds to the rich bittersweet taste.

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This bar more closely resembles the experience of eating an Oreo than any other I’ve had – with the crunch and squish combo being very similar to wafer cookies sandwiching the iconic white Creme. There are softer whey crisps within the protein base as well, which adds multiple layers of crunch.

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I really like this bar. It has a solid smooth taste and texture without any weird lingering protein flavor and is overall really clean. My one criticism of it would be that it’s much more like a Chocolate Oreo than the original, which is fine, they should have just called it Cookies and Chocolate Cream instead.

Rating: 8.5/10

It ends up being a total split for Fit Joy entering 2017 with their worst bar and one of their best bars launching at the same time. While they don’t have the most explosive flavors out there (s/o Oh Yeah!) I continue to be impressed with their output and will try all Fit Joy bars in the future, even if some of them might totally miss the mark.

REVIEW: Smart Made Orange Chicken Sesame Bowl

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Panda Express is very popular.  As you walk by the food court at the mall, or the less common free standing location, the drool-worthy smell of Orange Chicken consumes every bystanders nostrils and requires every ounce of control to not go in and blow a quick 1,000 calories on a deliciously addictive Panda Bowl.  For those of us with some amount of discipline, we saunter on and continue with our regularly scheduled dinner plans, which may or may not be better than that delectable fried meat covered in orange glaze.  As a remedy to this solution, the 2017  health conscious frozen renegades at Smart Made have given us an option to somewhat quench that craving with the Orange Sesame Chicken Bowl, which combines grilled white meat chicken with broccoli, snap peas and roasted red bell peppers over quinoa lightly tossed in an orange sesame sauce.

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The aroma is all soy sauce and sesame, with no big citrus smell to be found.  Eating it, however, is a different story, as the distinct flavor of orange zest weaves in and out of bites, pleasantly accenting the broccoli, snap peas, and red peppers that make up a good part of the dish.  The whole profile is generally mild and not really spicy but the salt level seems just right, as its neither super salty or bland.  It’s pretty much nothing at all like a trip to the Panda, but that’s not something the company promises and just a mental connection I made, as the nutritional tradeoff is solid.

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More good news – the chicken is pretty damn tasty.  Its got a bit of that microwave firmness that wouldn’t happen if you cooked it yourself fresh but it isn’t offensive and definitely tastes and feels like real deal, albeit slightly dry, chicken breast.  The quinoa holds up well to the microwave – with a little bit of crunch to backup a mostly squishy, saucy base for the bowl.  Everything is more pleasant and fresher tasting than what you would expect from a frozen dinner and the flavors come off complex without being confusing.

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Another solid release from Smart Made that packs 21 grams of protein and 5 grams of fiber into a container that a six year old could nuke to perfection.  It’s not going to win any culinary awards against quality restaurant or home cooked meals, but it will definitely get the job done in a pinch and be more satisfying than most things you can find in the frozen aisle.

Rating: 8/10
Quick Nutrition: 240 cals – 4.5g fat – 35mg cholesterol – 530mg sodium – 30g carbs – 5g fiber – 10g sugar – 21g protein

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Urban Bourbon

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I’m not the biggest drinker in the world but I love me some boozy ice cream.  Many mainstream ice cream companies are afraid to work with alcohol, probably a little bit due to the adult social association it may carry, but also from a technical side, since hard liquor doesn’t freeze using it within ice cream takes some serious skill.  Difficult execution aside, some of my all time favorite flavors meld cream and alcohol in a way that yields addictive perfection, and in the year 2017 Ben and Jerry’s are officially gunning for my heart with the release of Urban Bourbon.  This brand new flavor combines a burnt caramel ice cream with almonds, fudge flakes, and a bourbon caramel swirl.

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The burnt caramel base is more subdued than I expected, without any dominant sweet caramel notes or rich deep burnt flavor coming through.  There’s a little bit of roasted flavor but not even a quarter of the amount as other burnt caramel bases I’ve had, like the phenomenal one from Bi-Rite.  It also feels a little on the thin side for a premium scoop, with an almost watery finish that doesn’t leave a strong aftertaste.  The almonds are small and integrated throughout the texture of the ice cream itself, adding a constant small chew without any almond flavor or big satisfying snap.  The fudge flakes are great, big chunks of sweet dark chocolate that add good texture, but there are simply too many of them.  Since they are the least unique part of this pint I want them to come in and out of the bites and they’re taking over almost every spoonful.

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The biggest issue with this pint is the lack of booziness.  For a flavor with bourbon in its name it’s a pretty big let down how un-boozy the overall experience of eating this ice cream is.  The only element that has the bourbon is the caramel swirl and there is very little of the swirl to be found.  I had a little bit towards the top and had to dig past the middle of the container to get more of the good stuff, and even then it wasn’t as bourbon-y or complex as I was expecting.  A big gob of the caramel on my spoon only gave off a bit of bourbon flavor and came off more straight sweet with a slight bitter finish than booze balanced by sugar.  I wish I could have had more caramel to try and critique the use of the bourbon better but it was nowhere to be found, even as I dug to the very bottom of the pint.

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Overall the almonds actually hurt the flavor, taking away from the creaminess and any subtle burnt notes that should be present in a base like this.  The bourbon caramel is a letdown, not only in its flavor, but in its quantity, and there is way too much chocolate to savor the little bit of liquor you might be able to salvage from digging.  Interestingly, I actually get more of a roasted coffee vibe than a caramel vibe from this pint as a whole.  Every time that I would start to grasp any kind of burnt quality it would immediately get washed away and blown out by the huge chocolate flakes.  Maybe I’m just spoiled by great local creameries, but two of my favorite flavors, Humphry Slocombe’s Secret Breakfast and Little Giant’s Dirty South, both use the beautiful booze balance so much more convincingly that I can’t help but be very let down by Ben and Jerry’s attempt.

Rating: 5/10

REVIEW: Entenmann’s Little Bites Party Cakes

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Who doesn’t love a good birthday party?  Better yet who doesn’t love a good birthday cake?  Even BETTER yet who doesn’t love BABIES?  If you aren’t evil and agree with all of those statements, then there may be a new junk food staple you can add to your forbidden cabinet of goodies.  Welcome to your next sweet tooth get together, the baby-sized Entenmann’s Little Bites Party Cakes.  The fun-sized cakes come in pouches of four poppable muffin-shaped cakes and can be found in the fiesta aisle near you.

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The cakes themselves are small and moist with an oily sheen that should be familiar to anyone who has ever had any snack cake made by Entenmann’s, Hostess, or Little Debbie.  The “party cake” tag is essentially Funfetti, or, a lightly flavored vanilla cake decked out with sprinkles and extra sweetness.  The aroma is pure white cake, with that store bought or boxed mix swagger that harkens back to all of my birthday parties from ages three through twelve.  They taste just like an unfrosted cupcake, or non-fruity muffin, with a buttery undertone that balances out the sugar for a pretty pleasant experience.

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Texturally there’s not much going on here.  The sprinkles have fully dissolved in the baking process and don’t add any crunch or grit for an entirely smooth single noted experience.  They’re soft and moist with a gentle chew that would make it easy to pop about fifteen of them without blinking an eye.

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I can’t help but feel that although they are good, the absence of frosting or any type of crunch leaves some room for improvement.  This isn’t the worst of things, seeing as frosting, peanut butter, Nutella, and any other type of spread you may have lying around could easily create four different mini cupcakes with a nice, vanilla cake base.  There is absolutely nothing offensive about these cakes, nor is there anything particularly mind blowing.  They’re a tasty, well executed version of one of the most beloved and whimsical types of cake you can find at roller rinks, bowling alley’s, and mini golf courses on a ten year old’s big day all across our fine country.

Rating: 7.5/10

REVIEW: Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses

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When I was a wee boy learning my way around the kitchen I asked my mom what kind of cake she would like for her birthday.  She thought about it briefly and quickly responded “carrot cake, but no raisins, and no nuts, and extra frosting”.  Okay.  The next week I succeeded in making a 100% from scratch two tiered raisin-and-nut-less carrot cake with ample decadent cream cheese frosting.  I always liked carrot cake, but after that little culinary accomplishment it always held a special place in my heart.  Luckily for me, spring time has arrived (in the candy aisle), and the common theme these days is that the Easter Bunny loves carrot cake because bunnies love carrots.  Even luckier for me, I can throw my fork away now, because Hershey’s have blessed us with Carrot Cake Kisses so we can spice-pop all season long.

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The kisses have some of the truest cream cheese flavor I’ve ever experienced in a candy, and I’m blown away by how restrained the sweetness is. There’s that signature cream cheese tang rounded out by a confectioners sugar sparkle, but the sugar lingers at the back behind rich deep creamy flavor and texture. The white inside has a soft give to it that is unmistakably cream cheese, and the spice-play only comes into the equation when the frosting has had its full say. Finishing the flavor is a soft combination of cinnamon and nutmeg that puts the perfect taste-tail on the cream cheese and brings the carrot cake profile full circle.

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Eating one of these kisses is like taking a glorious forkful from the edge piece of a carrot cake slice and diving into a perfectly sweetened frosting-dominated abyss that ends with just the right amount of crumbly spiced moist cake lingering in your mouth. The taste manipulation here is pretty incredible, as the best parts of eating carrot cake have been transformed into a tiny bite sized 25 calorie piece of white chocolate.  The flavor overall is deep, with a whipped frosting feeling and texture that is much different than the other often hyper-sweet White Kisses, like the Cookies and Cream or Birthday Cupcake.

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It’s safe to say that I think these Kisses would make my mother proud.  There are no nuts or raisins to be found, and the most dominant flavor is cream cheese, aka, “extra frosting”.  They’re smooth and creamy and perfectly balanced in a way that is hard to achieve in such a small piece of chocolate.  Easily one of the best seasonal Kisses I’ve had and if you do anything other than hate carrot cake you’ve gotta pick these up.

Rating: 9/10

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