junk food

REVIEW: Haagen-Dazs Toasted Coconut Caramel

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Coconut is one of the most intensely polarizing flavors I have ever come across during my eating escapades.  Some people love it and want to bask in its nutty glory in their coffee, on their donuts, in their curry, coating their chocolate, and on their shrimp.  Others find the taste disgusting, and liken it to drinking a tub of sunscreen, with no enjoyable qualities either sweet or savory.  It is for this reason, I think, that we don’t see nearly as many coconut ice creams lining the grocery freezers as any number of chocolate, vanilla, caramel, and berry varieties.  Stepping up to the daring plate, much like they did with their intense Bourbon Praline Pecan flavor, Haagen-Dazs have delivered Toasted Coconut Caramel, which combines coconut ice cream with toasted coconut flakes and swirls of dulce de leche caramel.

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Immediately upon scooping into this pint I’m smacked over the head with big, bold coconut flavor. The one-two punch of coconut ice cream with toasted coconut flakes leaves nothing to the imagination if you’re seeking a taste of the tropics, and I’m generally impressed with how strong the flavor is. The grittiness of coconut flakes could be off putting to some but I don’t mind the added chew and it doesn’t take away from the creamy indulgence that ice cream should be.  There are so many coconut flakes that it’s nearly impossible to isolate the base and it’s unclear how much of the nutty flavor is coming from the ice cream as opposed to the flakes themselves, but it doesn’t really matter as the point is made and it is strong.

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While the dulce de leche caramel in this flavor is perfectly fine and adds some extra sweetness to the equation, I can’t help but feel as though it could have been a lot better. It doesn’t really stand out much against the other two components, and even when I isolate some pure caramel on my spoon I don’t get much toasty caramel goodness – just sort of flat sugary goo. Maybe I’ve just been spoiled by so much extraordinary Salt & Straw caramel recently but I would love a little bit of salt or toasty darkened caramel as opposed to the standard dulce de leche to help elevate this pint to another level and add some extra depth of flavor.

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The combination of the intensely toasted and textured coconut with the pure sweetness of the dulce reminds me a lot of Samoas Girl Scout cookies, and had they thrown in some chocolate chips or a fudge swirl this could have easily been branded as such.  If you’re looking for a big blast of coconut in your ice cream this will definitely leave you satisfied, but ultimately there wasn’t enough going on in this flavor to be super crave-able or warrant a repeat purchase.
Rating: 7/10
Found at: Safeway ($3.99)

REVIEW: Limited Edition Cookies & Creme Oreo Cookies

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Would you like some cheese and tomato flavored pizza? How about a beef and bread flavored hamburger? No? Well…what about an Oreo flavored Oreo? Yes, these “new” Walmart exclusive Cookies & Creme Oreo’s are indeed cookies flavored like themselves.  I’m going to keep this one brief because if you’re on this site chances are you know what an Oreo is, what it tastes like, and that it has been the grocery cookie champion for over 100 years.

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The good news is these taste pretty much exactly like an original Oreo, and Oreo’s taste fantastic, so you won’t be losing much if you spend $3 on a package of these. The bad news is, the only small difference here is not really an improvement, but potentially a downgrade, depending on your flavor preference.

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What makes this version of Nabisco’s classic afternoon treat different from the one released in 1912 is the presence of cookie bits within the creme.  The pieces of wafer cookie crushed up into the creme takes away a bit of the bright sugary pop that usually comes from the white stuff, and as a result the ultimate balance achieved by the OG is disturbed. It makes the overall experience more bitter chocolate-forward, and kind of eats like a cross between a regular (vanilla-y) and chocolate Oreo without either flavor being too dominant.

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While this limited edition is about as silly as a snowball in May, I don’t hate it, and if I was craving an Oreo and this was put in front of me it would satisfy that urge.  It isn’t a big enough of a departure to be a letdown for someone seeking some classic cookie crunch, but it is most certainly a sorry excuse for a promotional release.  Luckily we’ve got Jelly Donut, Mocha, Fireworks (pop rocks creme), Apple Pie, and Waffles with Syrup Oreo all to look forward to later this year.

Rating: 8/10
Found at: Walmart

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Mocha Joe Joe’s

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The world has never seen a coffee Oreo…until later this year. That’s right, in 2017, thanks to a collaboration with Dunkin Donuts, Nabisco will finally release a coffee flavored Oreo.  Bad news for them, Trader Joe’s has beaten them to the punch via the release of the brand new for this year Mocha Joe Joe’s. With two chocolate wafer cookies sandwiching a vanilla creme studded with ground coffee, Oreo has some heavy competition on their hands.

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Coffee is one of my most cherished and nostalgic smells, and busting into these Joe Joe’s is like unearthing a fresh bag of whole bean espresso.  There’s a full, dark, dominant coffee aroma that will be no stranger to anyone who grinds coffee beans at home, and is a surprising coming so intensely from a $3 box of cookies. The creme filling is smooth, soft, and almost runny with a much softer texture than its Oreo idol. The creme is studded with coffee bean bits that add a little extra crunch but primarily bring a bold coffee flavor that is sharp, bitter, and genuine. The taste is very similar to that of chocolate covered espresso beans and that’s a huge boost over a lot of coffee flavored products I’ve had before.

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As powerful as the coffee flavor is, the cookies do still overall register sweet, with the wafer cookie being a little less dark and bitter than the standard Oreo. There’s enough sugary sweetness in the melty creme and wafer to balance the coffee intensity and I think this cookie will be loved not only by caffeine junkies, but those who appreciate the other element of a mocha – good chocolate. The finish is sweet and smooth enough to accompany a good cup of coffee, tea, or espresso, but dynamic enough that it isn’t just another average tasting Oreo copy cat.

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This is the most excited I’ve been by a cookie so far this year, and it caught me by total surprise.  I love drinking coffee daily but am not as hyped on coffee flavored treats, and these cookies may have converted me.  I’ve always thought Joe Joe’s were of high quality but with this Mocha flavor Trader Joe’s have taken them to another level, achieving the perfect snack-able balance of coffee, chocolate, and delicious that has me excited for other new limited releases in the future.

Rating: 9/10
Found at: Trader Joe’s
Quick Nutrition: 2 cookies – 7g fat – 95mg sodium – 23g carbs – 14g sugar – 1g protein

HOSTESS ROUNDUP: Chocolate Cake Twinkies, White Fudge Ding Dongs, Peanut Butter Ho Ho’s

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Earlier this year Hostess released three new spins on some of their established cakes, which, unlike most new/limited flavor varieties were available in the gas-station-classic single serve size instead of a big ole box of 8 or 10.  This got me excited, since I love trying new products but rarely need that many – it was a golden opportunity to taste without commitment.  The hunt was real for these bad boys, as it took me nearly two months and three different locations to track them all down.  Conveniently, all three of these cakes are being released in big box grocery format this week, so if any of these treats sound too tantalizing to deny, you can get em in a ten pack.  Alright Hostess, let’s round em up!

Chocolate Cake Twinkies

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A very basic but surprisingly interesting and successful twist to the golden sponge cake classic. It’s less greasy than yellow Twinkies but more moist than a Suzy Q, which are notoriously dry with an odd stiffness. The cake itself has a moderate chocolate flavor that reminds me of Cocoa Puffs with a light sweet profile that steers clear of any bitterness.

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The cream filling is same as any hostess product, and works well in tandem with the chocolate sponge, which overall tempers the sweetness compared to a normal Twinkies.  I enjoyed eating this a lot more than I anticipated and I would probably even buy them again!

Rating: 7.5/10

White Fudge Ding Dongs

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A fluffy, fairly one-noted sweet vanilla cake. Surprisingly less sweet than its closest competitor, Little Debbie’s Zebra Cakes, it has a noticeably rich almost buttery flavor to it.  The white fudge coating is soft and does have a slightly smoother less waxy coating than your typical Hostess outer layer. It feels a bit thicker, which is maybe the desired effect of “fudge”.

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The cream filling pops a lot less than a regular Ding Dong because of the already vanilla-sweet cake and coating. It’s more moist than the original Dong with a greater/equal distribution of cream filling that leads to an overall creamy bite. It’s not bad but it isn’t really all that great either; and I’m generally a fan of white cake with white frosting.

Rating: 6/10

Peanut Butter Ho Hos

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I’ve never had a Hostess product with peanut butter in it and I am now a happy boy.  The overall flavor is still very sweet with the dominant taste being the light chocolate of the Ho Ho cake and outer coating.  It would be nice if there was a big authentic salty PB presence to offset the sweet, but it comes off more like a sweet peanut butter frosting than true butter (which isn’t much of a surprise).

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Still, it’s peanut butter and the nuttiness is a welcome addition to the Ho Ho’s inner swirl which makes the cake overall more dynamic and interesting. That being said, it doesn’t deliver the same PB satisfaction as a Reese’s or Little Debbie’s PB creme pie so I’m not sure this would be my go to in the future if I was having a cake-y peanut butter craving.

Rating: 7/10

REVIEW: Cheetos Sweetos Caramel Puffs

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When I was a young lad frequenting Taco Bell more than my adult-self would like to admit, I always walked in thinking about tacos and left tasting like cinnamon and sugar.  Taco Bell’s warm cinna-sugar churro-y twists were an irresistible way to leave the restaurant, and even though they might not have been part of my initial order, 75% of the time I would grab an order of them to go – happily munching my way to the sidewalk.  Two years ago when Cheetos announced their new Cinnamon Sugar Sweetos for Easter, I immediately drew a comparison to my TB trips and was not disappointed.  The Sweetos have continued to make seasonal appearances for both Easter and Christmas over the last couple of years, and new for this year is a second flavor – Caramel.  As someone who’s diet has individual spots in the pyramid for both cinnamon AND caramel this is one of the most exciting releases of 2017 so far and I am ready – to – crunch.

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The bag has a big sweet caramel aroma that hints at kettle corn and funnel cake with its combination of sweet, salty, and dangerous.  The egg shape is just as I remember, with the extra squiggles in the middle providing more surface area than the Christmas time “O”, and absorb more magical Cheeto dust.  Going in for my first handful I’m surprised that they taste a lot less sweet than they smelled; they definitely have a caramel flavor but it leans more towards smooth and buttery than sweet and silky.  As with the cinnamon flavor, there’s no notable corn taste like you get with cheesy Cheetos, and the base itself is relatively neutral.

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The texture is super light and airy with a pillowy crunch that begins to dissolve as quickly as I start chomping, and before I know it the 25 count serving size has evaporated inside of me.  As with most bags of chips there are some pieces that are more heavily coated than others, and those darker ones are really tasty, but the less dressed ones are are a bit bland and flat.  Fortunately, the Caramel Puff Sweetos are less greasy than the Cinnamon Sugar so the naked ones aren’t gross, just boring.

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These Sweetos are very true to the original version – light, crunchy, sweet, and for me, not at all weird – but they just aren’t as awesome as the OG.  The absence of cinnamon means less of a distinguished pop, and while this caramel iteration is still good, it doesn’t have the same great balance that the cheetah-bunny delivered to us two years ago.  However, that doesn’t mean that these aren’t addictive and nearly impossible to stop eating, it just means that my allegiance stands strong with the inner cinna-demons and these come in second to their deliciousness.

Rating: 8/10

REVIEW: Cap’n Crunch’s Limited Edition Blueberry Pancake Crunch

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Pancakes have played a pivotal role in my culinary journey.  They were the first thing I ever learned to cook when I was five years old, are the breakfast I have every Christmas morning, are my most often customized and changed entree, and the only reason why I own a plug in griddle.  I even memorized the recipe from the Joy of Cooking book, which I have since adapted and incorporate blueberries whenever I can get my hands on them.  Blueberries work so well in pancakes that I often wonder if they were created solely to be cooked in cake or muffin form, so I was elated to learn that the Cap’n had caught onto this perfect combo and wanted to package the flavor in cardboard form to deliver Cap’n Crunch’s Limited Edition Blueberry Pancake Crunch.

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Opening the box delivers a big sugary aroma with the sharp undercurrent of maple syrup.  It’s hard to explain exactly how the two smells work together, but there isn’t a specific blueberry essence as much as there is just standard breakfast cereal “sweet”.  Trying the cereal dry has a satisfying sweet and slightly salty crunch, with some but not a ton of distinction between the tan and blue colored corn and oat balls.  You would think that the two different colors would function similarly to the Cap’n’s crunch berries, but they taste much more like each other than they do two separate flavors.  There’s a touch more maple in the tan balls and a hint more berry sweetness in the blue ones, but still no dominant blueberry flavor, especially when compared to a cereal like Tiny Toast.

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Adding in some milk really drives the maple smell to the foreground and I’m excited.  The moisture from the milk helps bring the flavor together and definitely reminds me of a maple-y pancake, although not one studded with my favorite baking berry.  As the blue cereal balls towards the bottom get more soaked in milk they give off more blueberry vibes and I’m starting to see the full flavor be revealed before me.  Interestingly, as I sit contemplating over my empty bowl the flavor that lingers in my mouth IS blueberry, which is pleasant, but a bit of a surprise considering it didn’t play too big of a role during most of the chomping.  The leftover milk has absorbed a good amount of the maple flavor and tastes like cold creamy syrup, definite A+ cereal milk satisfaction.

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I’m not going to be unreasonable, but it’s worth noting that none of the other nuances you would expect from pancakes like butter, eggy-ness, or buttermilk can be found here; but there is a golden sheen from the maple that will remind you of the classic griddle cake.  Is it as delicious as a piping hot short stack bursting with berries and drowning in syrup?  No, of course not, but it is a maple-forward cereal with some berry boost and a satisfying sugar snap that is right up there with Peanut Butter Crunch as some of the Cap’n’s finest work.

Rating: 8.5/10

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REVIEW: Entenmann’s Little Bites Party Cakes

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Who doesn’t love a good birthday party?  Better yet who doesn’t love a good birthday cake?  Even BETTER yet who doesn’t love BABIES?  If you aren’t evil and agree with all of those statements, then there may be a new junk food staple you can add to your forbidden cabinet of goodies.  Welcome to your next sweet tooth get together, the baby-sized Entenmann’s Little Bites Party Cakes.  The fun-sized cakes come in pouches of four poppable muffin-shaped cakes and can be found in the fiesta aisle near you.

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The cakes themselves are small and moist with an oily sheen that should be familiar to anyone who has ever had any snack cake made by Entenmann’s, Hostess, or Little Debbie.  The “party cake” tag is essentially Funfetti, or, a lightly flavored vanilla cake decked out with sprinkles and extra sweetness.  The aroma is pure white cake, with that store bought or boxed mix swagger that harkens back to all of my birthday parties from ages three through twelve.  They taste just like an unfrosted cupcake, or non-fruity muffin, with a buttery undertone that balances out the sugar for a pretty pleasant experience.

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Texturally there’s not much going on here.  The sprinkles have fully dissolved in the baking process and don’t add any crunch or grit for an entirely smooth single noted experience.  They’re soft and moist with a gentle chew that would make it easy to pop about fifteen of them without blinking an eye.

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I can’t help but feel that although they are good, the absence of frosting or any type of crunch leaves some room for improvement.  This isn’t the worst of things, seeing as frosting, peanut butter, Nutella, and any other type of spread you may have lying around could easily create four different mini cupcakes with a nice, vanilla cake base.  There is absolutely nothing offensive about these cakes, nor is there anything particularly mind blowing.  They’re a tasty, well executed version of one of the most beloved and whimsical types of cake you can find at roller rinks, bowling alley’s, and mini golf courses on a ten year old’s big day all across our fine country.

Rating: 7.5/10

REVIEW: Hostess Limited Edition Sno Balls Ice Cream

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I’ve always loved Sno Balls.  Starting at a very young age I held it down for team coconut, and those squishy mounds of jiggly marshmallow and cream-filled chocolate cake always got my chubby heart fluttering with joy.  Hell, I even like those red raspberry coconut Zingers that everyone else on earth seems to hate.  Needless to say, if there’s anything that could make Sno Balls better (aside from seasonal coloring, of course), it would be returning them to the icy tundra from which they came and immersing them in a vat of frozen creamy dairy.  Hostess and Nestle have once again combined forces to make all of our dreams come true with Sno Balls ice cream, which combines a marshmallow flavored ice cream with chocolate cake pieces and a whipped coconut swirl.  Are you dead yet?  Let’s eat.

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The ice cream is smooth and fluffy with a wonderfully decadent and addictive marshmallow texture that more closely mimics the ‘mallow than anything I’ve had not straight out of a Jet Puffed package.  There’s that undercurrent of sweet round vanilla that every so often crosses paths with a slightly gritty pink coconut swirl that is spot on the outside of Sno Balls.  It reminds me so much of eating the Hostess classic that I can almost feel the distinct squish of biting into one right out of the shiny cellophane.  Even though there isn’t tons of the swirl, I like how much they put in there because the coconut intensity weaves in and out of bites without becoming too dominant or taking over the entire profile.

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The cake pieces are dark with a brownie-like density and a distinctly deep cocoa flavor that stands out strong against the mellow marshmallow backdrop.  It’s not the highest quality mix in, but once again it stays true to the feeling and flavor of the treat that it aims to emulate.  Much like the Twinkies ice cream, the pieces are on the smaller side but there’s enough sprinkled throughout that chocolate keeps a constant presence and contributes greatly to the overall flavor.

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This ice cream does a tremendous job of putting a cold and melty twist on eating Sno Balls.  The marriage of marshmallow, coconut, and chocolate cake works really well as an ice cream that transcends the novelty appeal into something that is legitimately enjoyable and wouldn’t seem out of place at all in a higher end scoop shop.  The airier, lower milk fat type of base that Dreyers uses works much better than a denser more premium ice cream for bringing home that true marshmallow texture that the Sno Balls experience needs.  Eat this and be happy.

Rating: 8.5/10

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Banana Chocolate Milano

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Things I don’t associate with when thinking about winter: beach balls, Corona Light, blockbuster films, daylight until 9 PM, and…banana flavored cookies.  Despite the super odd January release date, Pepperidge Farm have chosen the middle of the hypothetical icy tundra to unleash their limited edition Banana Chocolate Milano, so you can get a taste of the tropics while shivering in your mittens.

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Opening up the signature tall paper bag I am immediately smacked in the face with that unmistakable artificial banana aroma that will have yellow Runts and Laffy Taffy fans squirming with joy in their long johns.  Just barely coming through beneath the banana is the classic Milano semi-sweet chocolate that rounds out the smell of this tropical treat.

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The bite mimics the smell in that it starts with a strong banana candy flavor that smooths out and finishes with clean semi-sweet dark chocolate.  The crumbly pale cookie is a lovely middle ground between soft and hard, with no notable sugar or shortbread taste.  The Milano in general is fairly dry, but the inclusion of banana makes it feel a bit more moist and bright.  I’ve gotta give Pepperidge Farm credit for putting out a different flavor than what is expected, and overall the flavors deliver on what the description promises.  While the banana flavor is definitely rooted in candy, the cookie as a whole isn’t too sweet and shouldn’t be a turn off unless you hate banana flavor, which I’m sure many people do.

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My issue with these cookies is the same one I’ve always had with standard Milano – there simply isn’t enough filling.  While the regular Milk Chocolate Milano is fine but pretty basic, the Double Chocolate version is awesome, with extra snap and deep cocoa flavor that allows the outer cookie to be plain but successful.  The other flavored Milano I’ve had – orange, mint, and raspberry, are better than the milk chocolate because of the added layer of flavor, and these are no exception, but I still wanted more.  Perhaps 25% more banana or a touch more chocolate could have taken these to the next level, but as it stands they still need a little more pop to compete with the best.

Rating: 7.5/10

REVIEW: Hostess Limited Edition Frosted Strawberry Donettes

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There’s something appealing about mini things. Mini cupcakes, mini peanut butter cups, personal pizzas, sneaky baby bottles of booze…and, donuts, or, Donettes, as Hostess appropriately calls them. These miniature tire-esque circles of sugary delight have always tempted me, and what better time to be lured by temptation than the season of love? To help get our love juices flowing, Hostess have injected their already aphrodisiac-laden chocolate Donettes with another aphro-treat – strawberry, for a fiery start to your Valentine’s Day morning.

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Biting in there is a predominantly sweet but slightly tart strawberry flavor that breaks through the chocolate and stands out pretty powerfully on its own. The two flavors compliment each other well, with the bite beginning on chocolate and gradually transforming to berry, leaving a distinctly artificial strawberry presence on the tongue.  While the taste is artificial and candy-like in nature it isn’t too overwhelmingly sweet, which would have made it difficult to eat more than one or two (not a problem).  Fake strawberry tends to be more agreeable and easily executed than cherry, and these little dough balls are no exception.

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The strongest element of this Donette is its texture. The outside, while still having that classic Hostess waxy element to it, is incredibly soft and thin, giving an airy snap when chewing.  That outer coating is a very distinct texture that for whatever reason works better on mini donuts than any other kind of snack cake.  The inside is very moist, and may be the freshest tasting Donette I’ve ever had from Hostess.  This could be the seasonal advantage of buying a limited item close to its release, as the expiration is still six weeks away and I’m reaping the benefits, or it could just be the luck of the draw with this particular batch.

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Is this a better junky nosh than the classic chocolate frosted Donette with the yellow inside? Nope, not for me; but it is a solid limited release that is much more worthy of burning your calories than even some of the standard editions, like Glazed. It’s got that breakfast cereal-y, Sunday morning strawberry pop that you will find either nostalgic or gross, but for $2 on sale at Target it’s hard to go wrong if you find the plump little fake chocolate ‘nuts as comforting and strangely delicious as I do.

Rating: 7/10